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News Anchor Dan Rather, The Reverend Jesse Jackson, Today Show personality Katie Couric and an American Marine were hiking through the jungle one day when they were captured by cannibals. They were tied up, led to the village and brought before the chief.
The chief said, "I am familiar with your western custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and eat you, do you have any last requests?"
Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot, spicy chili."
The chief nodded to an underling, who left and returned with the chili.
Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."
Jesse Jackson said, "You know, the thing in this life I am proudest of is my work on behalf of the poor and oppressed. So before I go, I want to sing "We Shall Overcome" one last time."
The chief said, "Go right ahead, we're listening."
Jackson sang the song, and then said, "Now I can die in peace."
Katie Couric said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end."
The chief directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Couric dictated some comments.
She then said, "Now I can die happy."
The chief turned and said, "And now, Mr. Marine, what is your final wish?"
"Kick me in the butt," said the Marine.
"What?" said the chief. "Will you mock us in your last hour?"
"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the butt," insisted the Marine.
So the chief shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the butt. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol from his waistband, and shot the chief dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed the cannibals with gunfire. In a flash, the cannibals were dead or fleeing for their lives.
As the Marine was untying the others, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the butt?"
"What!?" said the Marine, "And have all of you liberals call ME the aggressor?!?"
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A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave." The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!" |
During training exercises, the lieutenant, who was driving down a muddy back road, encountered another jeep stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.
"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."
Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."
"Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"
"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, ... "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."
A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back.
The sentry said, "Halt, who goes
there?"
The chauffeur, a corporal, replies, "General Wheeler."
"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to
have a sticker on the windshield."
The general orders his chauffeur to "Drive on!"
The sentry immediately responds with, "Hold it! You
really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you
try driving in without a sticker."
The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General,
I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?"
Private Smith was assigned to the induction
center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits,
especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before the Captain noticed Smith had almost an
100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the
room and listened to Smith's sales pitch.
Smith explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits,
and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into
battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your
beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go
into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum
of $6000."
"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think
they are going to send into battle first?"
The peace is shattered in an airplane by a five-year-old boy who picks the moment after the plane has taken off to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, a man in a Marine uniform is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the courtly, soft-spoken Marine leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the Marine slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, sir," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The Marine smiles serenely and gently
confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars,
and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw
one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."
Reporter: How did you win the Distinguished
Service Cross?
Soldier: I saved the lives of my entire regiment.
Reporter: Wonderful! How did you do that?
Soldier: I shot the cook.
A soldier was being reprimanded by an officer after he lost his rifle and was informed he would have to pay for it.
The soldier asked, "Sir, if I lost a tank, would I have to pay for it?"
"Yes!" roared the officer "even if it took the rest of your life!"
The young soldier shook his head and tremulously asserted, "Now I know why the captain goes down with his ship!"
Sergeant: "Private! Private
the man beside you on this fatigue detail is doing twice the work
you are!"
Private: "I know, Sarge. I've been telling him
that for the last hour, but he will not slow down!"
A Marine instructor was giving a class on unarmed self-defense presenting many different types of situations the soldiers might find themselves in.
Instructor: "What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a big, sharp knife?"
Young soldier: "Big ones!"
A young naval student was being rigorously tested orally by an old sea captain.
Captain: "What would you do
if a sudden storm sprang up on starboard?"
Student: "Throw out an anchor, sir."
Captain: "What would you do if another storm sprang
up aft?"
Student: "Throw out another anchor, sir."
Captain: "Suppose another horrendous storm sprang up
forward, what would you do?
Student: "Throw out another anchor, sir.
Captain: "Hold on. Where are you getting all
those anchors from?
Student: "From the same place you are getting your
storms, sir."
A brand-new Army officer was determined
to make a sharp impression in his first assignment.
Reporting to the division commander, he snapped his finest salute,
causing one of his second-lieutenant bars to pop off his shoulder
and land on the major's desk.
"Well, pick it up, son," the major said. "The
last thing we need around here is another 'half-brassed' lieutenant."
After 5 1/2 years in college, a young officer graduated and was ready to be commissioned a second lieutenant through Army ROTC. The newly commissioned young officer asked his father, who had suffered silently through the stormy undergraduate years, to pin on the hard-won gold bars. All the others had finished their pinning except the young officer's dad, who fumbled clumsily with the tiny clasps. Smiles became a bit strained as all waited. The smiles broke into chuckles when the father said, "Don't worry, son. It won't take me as long to pin them on as it took you to get them."
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