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The following has been floating around the internet for quite a few years. If anyone knows who should receive the credit, contact us (e-mail link below).
1. My mother taught
me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If
you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."
2. My mother taught
me RELIGION.
"You
better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught
me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If
you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle
of next week!"
4. My mother taught
me LOGIC.
"Because
I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught
me MORE LOGIC.
"If
you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going
to the store with me."
6. My mother taught
me FORESIGHT.
"Make
sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught
me IRONY.
"Keep
crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught
me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut
your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught
me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will
you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught
me about STAMINA.
"You'll
sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught
me about WEATHER.
"This
room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught
me about HYPOCRISY.
"If
I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught
me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I
brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught
me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop
acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught
me about ENVY.
"There
are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught
me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just
wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught
me about RECEIVING.
"You
are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught
me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If
you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that
way."
19. My mother taught
me ESP.
"Put
your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught
me HUMOR.
"When
that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught
me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If
you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught
me GENETICS.
"You're
just like your father."
23. My mother taught
me about my ROOTS.
"Shut
that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught
me WISDOM
"When
you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite:
my mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One
day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
While on maternity leave, a woman from our office brought in her new bundle of joy. She also had her seven-year-old son with her.
Everyone gathered around
the baby, and the little boy asked, "Mommy, may I have some
money to buy a pop?"
"What do you say?" she said.
Respectfully, the boy replied, "You're thin and beautiful."
The woman reached in her purse and gave her son the money.
While riding to work on the bus, I overheard another passenger
a young, pregnant woman complain to a friend that she was tired
of having strangers ask her when the baby was due.
Three days later I again boarded the bus.
The same woman was there, clad in a blue sweat shirt.
This message was printed across the lower front: "Moving
Out Sept. 5."
While waiting in a bookstore for a guest author to sign her latest
book, I leafed through some of the Civil War novels she had written.
The woman in line behind me commented, "Those are the best
books I've ever read. I couldn't put them down."
Before I could reply, the author looked over and said, "Oh,
cut it out, Mom!"
Little Johnny asked his grandma
how old she was.
Grandma answered, "39 and holding."
Johnny thought for a moment, and then said, "How old would you be if you let go?"
A three year old boy opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.
The three year old mother was not so pleased and turned to her mother and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"
The grandmother smiled and then replied, "I remember."
JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long term team players needed for challenging permanent work in
an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent
communication and organizational skills, be willing to work variable
hours which will include evenings and weekends, and frequent 24
hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required including
trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless
sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not
reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES:
The candidate must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily,
until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be
able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case the
screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges such
as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets, and stuck
zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars, and
coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must
have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients
of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable
one minute and an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly
and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys
and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best,
but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete
accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities
also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout
the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position
for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating
your skills so that those in your charge(s) can ultimately surpass
you.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required. On-the-job training offered on a continually
exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and
bonuses. A balloon payment is due when the offspring turn
18 because of the assumption that college will help them become
financially independent. When you die, you give your children
whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary
scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do
more.
BENEFITS:
While there are no health insurance, no dental insurance, no pension,
no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays, and no stock options
offered, this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal
growth and free hugs for life if the candidate play her
cards right.
Most people know PrestonSpeed Publications brought the classic writings of G.A. Henty back into print. Entire families are once again enjoying Mr. Henty's work in books, audiobooks, and in The Captain. Demand the best by demanding PrestonSpeed Publications. Accept no substitutes!!
